Okay, folks. This is a day of days. Yes, it has finally happened. Last night both E and A slept through the night! Yeehaw. I'm not naive enough to think that this will now occur every night, but it does give me hope that in the not to distant future it might be a regular occurrence. It was quite a shock this morning to wake up and realize that it was morning and I hadn't gotten up at all during the night. A and E are waking up at around 6:00 a.m. these days, which is still way too early for me, but if they sleep through the night I've decided I will be happy with that.
Now, to balance off that good sleep news, DoT and I are going through a bit of a hard time these days because, as of last Thursday, we have been putting the girls in their cribs awake in the hopes that they will learn to go to sleep on their own. Everyone says that it takes about 5 days and that the crying gets progressively shorter each night, but so far I'm not seeing a pattern. The first night, they screamed for about 20 minutes. And when I say "scream", I mean scream. If it was just crying it would be one thing, but I find the screaming really upsetting. It's hard to listen to that and not respond. But if we do go into their bedroom to try to calm them down it just seems to make it worse -- I guess they see that they're having an effect and it gives them a second wind.
Basically the screaming goes on for anywhere between 2 or 3 minutes to 45 minutes. Last night, DoT's brother J was visiting. He was amazed when we put A to bed and she went from screaming to sleeping from one breath to the next. (E fell asleep in my arms last night and I decided that there was no way I was waking her up just to put her into her crib.) And the screaming isn't reserved for bedtime -- they'll also scream like that when we're not feeding them fast enough, when they want out of the stroller, or when we don't respond to them quickly enough when they want us. So I don't think the screaming necessarily indicates that they're in real emotional turmoil. At least I hope not.
They are both napping right now. They went into their cribs at 3:05 p.m., and the screaming stopped at 3:15 p.m., so that's not too bad.
They were to the pediatrician again this morning for a check-up and their next set of needles. They got two needles today - one in each arm. There were a few tears, but they got over it really quickly and were all smiles since then -- until they were put in their cribs. :-) For those of you who are interested, they weighed in today at 17 lbs, 11 oz (E) and 20 lbs, 11 oz (A). So A is gaining weight a bit quicker than E. Not surprising - she's not nearly as picky an eater.
This week marked the start of my piano lessons and choir practices again. The piano lessons are late enough at night that the girls are asleep before I leave home, but on choir night DoT gets them to bed. As much as I love being off work with these two girls, I must admit I've really enjoyed the start-up again of some of my 'adult' activities. It's nice to occasionally have something to focus on that is not related to the kids.
Later this week, we will be going to two "play dates". On Thursday we're getting together with the other Ottawa families who traveled together to China when we adopted. This will be the first time the little girls (and their parents) will see each other since China, so it will be nice to catch up. Then on Friday, I've registered the girls for a Chinese play group. I want the girls to learn Mandarin when they are a bit older, and I think it will be helpful for them to continue to hear it occasionally now so that they don't lose their ear for it. So, Friday morning I and the girls will go to a Mother Goose Chinese play group. Apparently we'll all be learning some Mandarin games and songs. I can just imagine how well I'll do at that. :-) Of course, these two play dates are going to interfere with the routine I'm trying to establish. After waffling back and forth for quite awhile, I've decided that these girls need both their morning and afternoon naps. I was toying with dropping the morning nap, but it makes them really cranky and not too willing to eat much at lunch. So, they're getting a nap in the morning and afternoon now. Except Thursday and Friday. Oh, yeah, and Sunday. There's just way too much going on in church for them to shut their eyes. *Sigh* So much for my "routine".
Well, that's it. No new pictures for you this week. I'll try to remember the camera when we go to the play groups, so I may have something for you next week.
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10 comments:
Happy Day, indeed! Love the posts and your obvious sense of humour... I recently read: There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one!
Sounds like you're well on your way...
PAX,
Screaming? And for more than a milli-second, you say? YIKES!
Advice from Auntie 'Em: Buy serious earplugs!
Hi K&C,
Congrats on the full night's sleep!! But I have to put in my (long) 2 cents worth re the falling asleep on their own...
First off, please don't let let them scream for 45 minutes!!! It's not good for them and it's not good for you. If the screaming hasn't stopped in 5 minutes, I'd say go in and comfort them, sit with them, pick them up, whatever it takes. Getting a good night's sleep, having bedtime be a time of comfort and closeness and security, and continuing the process of bonding and attachment are all far more important (IMHO) than getting them to fall asleep on their own.
I tried for 2 months this summer to get T to fall asleep on her own, but it wasn't working. Bedtime was becoming a battleground instead of a time of comfort. (As she's 6, no screaming, but lots of whining, tears, misbehaving, the occasional yelling on my part...) So I decided it simply wasn't worth it, that she wasn't ready yet. Heck, I consider it an achievement to have her falling asleep in her own bed almost every night. There are still nights (in fact most nights) she begs to fall asleep in Mommy's bed, but most of the time I resist, unless I've got tons to do - as, ironically, if she's in my bed she WILL fall asleep without me there most of the time - so it's a dilemma, which do I promote? Falling asleep independently but in my bed? Or falling asleep in her own bed but with me there? So far I've gone for the latter (telling her, frequently, that one day she won't need Mommy to sit with her, she'll be such a big brave girl that she'll have no problem falling alseep by herself - the idea being plant the seed in her head and one day, down the road, who knows how long, it might bear fruit...).
And I do mean "falling asleep in Mommy's bed" because she still comes to my bed in the middle of the night. I tell her (one of the things that helps her to fall asleep in her own bed) that she can come to Mommy's bed in the nighttime if she wakes up and feels scared. Here too, "they say" that the knowledge they CAN come is usually enough for kids and after a week or so they will stop needing to come and will sleep in their own beds. I guess "they" haven't met T. We're on the fifth MONTH of working on her sleeping in her own bed, and so far she's slept the entire night in her own bed exactly 6 times. (And almost the entire night, coming to my bed at around 5:00 or 5:30 a.m., another 3 or 4 times.)
On one of the chat groups I'm on (for parents of older adopted kids) a very high proportion of parents comment on how their kids simply need someone else in the room to fall asleep or to sleep with all night. One mom said her daughter still couldn't sleep by herself 7 YEARS after coming home.
So I guess my advice is, don't always put faith in what "they" say. "They" don't know your kids; "they" are working from averages and generalities, but each kid is different and unique. So go ahead and try to do it the way "they" say, but if doesn't work, try something else and keep trying until you find something that DOES work for your family and your girls.
I know people often say, "Do you want to encourage bad habits" by sitting with kids while they fall asleep, or talking and cuddling while they fall asleep... But in reality, that can be a very precious time together, a time of intimacy and sharing. How many parents wish their teenagers would talk to them? If you promote closeness and intimacy and sharing now (and bedtime lends itself naturally to that), you just might find yourself with teenagers who are still keen to talk to you and share with you twelve, fifteen years down the road...
For what it's worth,
Q (T's mom)
Oh, I also wanted to say - have you tried putting them down together in one crib awake and see if that helps them fall alseep on their own? It might be something you could try. The presence of the other twin might be comfort enough...
Just another thought.
Q (T's mom)
Hi Q,
Yeah, this is all stuff I've heard before - lots. And it's a nice theory, but in practice it just doesn't work. At least not for us. If we go into the room to calm them down, it will work only as long as we pick them up out of their cribs. And they start up the screaming again as soon as we put them back into their cribs. Even if they fall asleep in our arms, the movement to the crib is enough to wake them up just enough to realize what's happening and start the whole cycle again. So, what it amounts to in the end is that several hours later you're no further ahead than when you started.
And I would say that if a child has not yet fallen asleep on her own 7 YEARS after coming home then it's not in any way related to his/her adoption, but rather because the parents have allowed that pattern to develop. Sure kids would prefer to have someone else in the room with them. I'd love to have someone read me a bedtime story too, if I could (E's dad just won't do it).
In any case, we don't usually have much more than 15 - 20 minutes of crying. And it's now become a combination of screaming in the beginning, with crying and whining thrown in after about 5 minutes or so.
And I think the fact that they are now sleeping through the night or waking up only once must have something to do with the fact that they're learning to settle themselves. It's just too big a coincidence otherwise.
Now all of this is just my own personal opinion on this. Your (and others') milage my vary.
Oh yeah, with regards to the idea of putting them in one crib -- we haven't tried. They're still prone to pinching and scratching each other, and flop around like a fish out of water while they're sleeping, so we've avoided it so far.
Hi K,
You must be getting tired of hearing everyone else's words of wisdom...sorry, here are mine as well!!
I remember all too well going through this with my kids. It is never easy to put your child down in a room and listen to them scream and cry. I remember thinking that they would never figure it out, and that we would never be able to see the process through to the end, but we all did. Eventually the bouts of crying got shorter and shorter, until we finally reached a time when they would fall asleep on their own, without too much fuss…most nights! I must admit though, that on any given night you never knew what you might get…even weeks (or months) later they would often fuss a little until they would settle down…I don’t think it is ever as neat and tidy a process as they write in the parenting books. And like you said, no kid likes to be left alone to go to sleep. Heck, most kids don‘t like being told to go to sleep, period!
Now, none of my experience is with adopted babies, so of course the many varied theories and your circumstances are most likely completely different than mine were. However, I would imagine that, since you are dealing with 2 babies at once, it is inevitable that there will be times when at least one of them will have to be left to cry. For sure when it is only either you or E’s dad at home at the time…after all, you only have two hands each! Given that, I would encourage you to not throw in the towel on this too soon if you feel it might be right for you…I am sure that the more independent they get at being left alone in their cribs and hopefully falling asleep on their own, the better things will be for all four of you. No one knows the girls better than you, and no one knows what will work best for your family -- trust your instincts! Good luck.
PS - Hope all goes well for you on your big day today!
PF
OK, now it is my turn.....
If I didn't let D cry it out a bit at night (yes, as long as 45 minutes sometimes), I am sure I would still be getting up 5 times a night with him. Children have to learn how to comfort themselves and fall asleep on their own. The child that I thought would never sleep is now a very good sleeper and very happy to be put in his bed at night.
Good luck...
SP
Okay, so we have now had two nights of both girls sleeping through the night! Yeah! And on the other nights, so far at least, only one of them has woken up, and only once, and only for a few minutes. It's great.
And with regards to putting them to bed. The screaming has let us some. They generally now are asleep in about 15 or 20 minutes, and the screaming really only lasts for less than 5 minutes. After that it is generally a bit of crying, a bit of babbling, and the occasional yell.
I've switched to having only one nap per day, and so they are more tired when they are going to their cribs to either nap and to go to bed, so they're asleep quicker.
K...
Hi K&C,
Well, I did say to keep trying different things until you find something that works for your family & girls. If this is it, then fine.
But I'm glad to hear it's usually no more than 5 minutes of screaming, followed by other stuff. I think my main reaction was to the ida of 45 minutes of screaming on a nightly basis. That would be a sign (IMHO) it wasn't working. But 5 minutes followed by calming down and sleep would seem to indicate it is working. Good for you.
Q (T's mom)
Hi again Q -- yes, it seems to be working for us. I think it may have helped, too, that I've switched them to one nap per day. They both slept through the night again last night (two nights in a row!)and last night and today at nap time, they were asleep within 7 minutes of going into their cribs. I'm liking this a lot!
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